. : .I only wanted you to taste my sadness as you kissed me in the dark. : .

afraid to lose...losing....lost...

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 06:24:11 GMT

I have learned so many things about myself in one day. I know I have held onto my past long enough. And I know I will seek out help before I lose control more then I have already.

Im sick and tired of wearing a mask and being what someone would call sneaky to hide my broken self with fake smiles(only to keep them from seeing the fucked up side of me.. cause no one deserves that). before I lost someone I hold soo dear to me... I lost myself first. you can find endless company within a pill... seemed to be something liek a best friend.. always there when you need it.. and never lets you down.

I have become "beyond my own control." In my mind and body and heart... I feel like I have lost everything and hit rock bottom feeling liek Im cimbing a wall and my nails are breaking and bleeding and I cannot climb up.

what do you tell one you love that your addicted to feeling numb.. never wanting to let that go never wanting to lose them?

I asked myself that question tonight hurdled over a toliet.... I ask that question every night before I take a few shots and swollow numbness in capsules. Hitting rock bottom is harder then I imagined cause i want no one to be there to take place of the real person I want and love cause I believe because of how I feel no one will ever touch me there like "he" has. and I say that with such sadness cause I know what things are.. and I know in which they are not.

I have killed myself over and over for about 2 months with an addiction and mode I have attached myself to cause it was an easy way out... I see a clear road ahead of me.. only instead of having the numb to help me through.. I will have nothing but tears and being afraid of each day.

sleeping with sleeping pills is almost like hearing nothing but your heart beat... you hear the normal thuds and pattern.. untill they startto slow and you become so heavy you feel like your sinking or drowning.. only you can breathe and everything around you is still and quiet.

I ran out as soon as i could.. not speaking to Jean to afraid of what was said.. I only want things to work out when you search your whole life for this one person who makes even the darkest days have sunshine... and you lose them... its only normal to feel like you rather just rot. Im ashamed of myself Im afriad of myself.. I have grown to be quite the russian roulette type. but as I said when recieved the chance to run away from what I had done tonight and not ask what was said I guess is better off. I don't want to know.. I don't need to be told things that will only kill me quicker. so I ran out came home and just layed in bed and collected what thoughts I had left to think about without crying.

no one should ever have to go through what I have.. acceptance is a far road to me now then ever..
Im in love with someone I cant have anymore
Im in hate with what I become.
and I am lost..with what seems to be a very long road to collect what pieces broke off along the way

I found a keychain on the road that says.. "one day at a time" and I will just have to suffer with that.. cause that all I have right now.

but I can honestly say... I feel like I have no heart beat anymore for myself what little I had left I gave all to one person.. who deserves more then I can ever offer him... for putting up with me. thats a job within itself and I will continue to love him for that even though he may never know it.

One day at a time..starts now.. the road is dark have no light I guess I will have to feel things through and find my way blind.

OMG IJOIDIADOID!!!!!!!

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 17:33:18 GMT

I Spent exactly $300.00 on Daves christmas gifts OMG>>>>ajkwfefnewugnweugnwign!!!!!! wow Im broke but its worth it ... he BETTER Not break up with me!... you hear me Dave! You better not break up with me Or I will hang myself....I think I have to take one back untill next week cause his one gift cost me 100.00 then I got scammed... so then I had to send back the first mistake sent... now im down 100.00 Plus I wanted to make sure I got him whatI org wanted
so I spent 125.0o on the real set ..and Im still waiting on my money back..

My account has never seen 5 Digits in almost a year but I really wanted to get him some nice things... I hated never having mne in the past I hated not being able to give him gifts liek he gave me .... so even though my wallet and account is kinda empty for spending

I feel great and not empty I now can give him nice things like he deserves cause I can finally afford it.

O my love I AM SPOILING YOU THIS YEAR :D

Painting and singing and shopping o my!

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 05:35:25 GMT

well I need to update this on a real note :P

First Ill start off by Dave and I are doing good since some of you's wonder how things are. We just made our 3 year Anniversery :D and I can only hope there will be years to come.

Second.. Went xmas shopping (yea yea yea) I know shopping for everyone else is like a 100% but I have been saving and had money sent to me via paypal... soooo I got a playboy top and necklace with all my cash in paypal and then spent a good 100.00 already on Dave on something I know he will love and wants... and i bet he wont expect it!

3rd Im sick! Im sick sick sick... I have a infection in my chest aka lungs aka right ear ... so Im taking med's which is wierd cause Im not flu like I am just running a fever and hugging la toliet all day.

but all n all I cant wait till x mas I really want to give Dave his gift's Im spending about 200.00 something when Im all done with Dave I got 2 big gifts and then small stuff cause I believe in having more then 2 gifts no matter the price. :D *good girlfrend I am* I lost 5 pounds I know it hard to believe to some people *im not saying any names* but I did I was retaining sooooo much water it was scary now finally the pills im taking buddied up with my body.

Im painting more pictures of my cat paintings and they are going up for sale at a craft show in a booth goooooo me! I cant wait to sell them! so ya when I get more then 10 painted Ill take pics and post um hope everyone is good on their end ill be updating again hopefully sooner then later...

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 11:04:15 GMT

If you woke up and I was in bed with you, what would be your first thought?

Reply here, then post the above line in your own journal

just give me till then..

Thu, 15 Sep 2005 11:01:40 GMT

"Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight"

Turn down the lights
Turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don't patronize
Don't patronize me.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.
I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holdin me
Mornin will come and I'll do what's right
Just give me till then to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight.
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't
You can't make your heart feel something it won't
Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power
But you won't, no you won't
Cause I can't make you love me if you don't.

It's a dog eat dog world

Wed, 14 Sep 2005 11:11:09 GMT

Well I woke up to my mom coming in my room with her head down and telling me "I know you love her" "I know she is your companion" and I was liek "I don't get it....WHAT!?!?"

Then she told me she is getting rid of my dog cause she killed a possum... and she doesn't trust the dog around the cat's which I believe in my heart she would never ever harm any animal in the house.. I mean lexy goes right up to her and head butts her and china will start to clean her.

when I look out my window I seen the possum trying to move.. and I did feel bad and then I walked outside to drop off the trash and there is blood all over the pavement and I almost vomited.

The possum got in the yard and this is China's yard.... and she killed it....
So my mom is taking her to the womans society or SPCA and they are going to kill her

I dont even want to come home today cause I know Im going to see my dog and just start crying that's my fucking dogand I should make the decisons about her .. I take care of her I take her to the vet I clean and cut her to make her feel better in the summer dause she has a winter coat.

I just don't see today going very well for me .. China isn't really one of those guard dog's but she won my heart over and even when she snapped at me once cause I hit her with a paper for making mess in the backroom.. but the next day she whimpering cause I didn't go near her and I wouldn't pet her... she would wait outside my bedroom door and then finally I pet her and she was licking and all.... and at that point I know she didn't mean to snap she was scared.

sonow when i yell at her she doesn't snap.. but I guess gaining an animals trust doesn't matter now...

when I come home she will either be gone or not my dad agree's with her going cause my dad hates goingo ut the door and fiding dead possums ... I just feel like shit

Im going to have a rough day at work I see it now...there goes my weekend

I am a wolf but.. I like to wear sheeps clothing..

Mon, 12 Sep 2005 14:37:52 GMT

So this weekend I went to Six Flags Jackson NJ. My friend Randy and I first went onThe Great American Scream Machine
I always Love that ride ..It’s my Roller coaster starter.. I need to get on something small before I tried to conquer Kinda Ka
Next we went on KingDa Ka
... We waited 2 hours for the ride and we watched the trains leave the station a little worried cause they were sending blank trains through ever 45 min... So we weren't really worried just a little like ??????
So finally we arrive at he bars before they let you on the train I was happing up and down I couldn't contain myself then I watched the train go with the people before us and below the tracks there was Dummies (test dummies) and not only were there dummies.. But they were missing legs and stuff at that point right before the train was coming back to let us in I was in a short sweat... I could see a dummies leg falling 400 and 50 feet in the air to the ground so I just gained my guts and strapped in.
Finally we were off my heart was in a shake and then we pulled back a few seconds to lift off.. I was screaming "I REGRET ..........THHHHIIIIIISSSSSSSS" and we were off.... 128 mph in 0.3 seconds and going up and coming down was such a rush.
When we got off all my saliva balled up in the back of my throat my tongue was dry and my hair looked like something from a motley crue video.... to short term this paragraph.. The ride was F***ing the best I ever went on.

10 min later we walked to
Skull Mountain such a cute little funny ride... That ride always makes me laugh.. It’s funny how they were playing some kinda metal music that sounded like cannibal corpse LMAO! Randy and me were laughing.

After Skull Mountain we went on Conga Rapids... (I <3 that ride to death) you get wet you get to laugh at other people getting wet and it's great on a hot day!

So on... after that Randy won me a prize from one of those *I will guess your age, birthdate or weight* things and the guy guessed he was 22... WRONG he is 27 so he told me to pick out a prize and I picked up a SNYIGER! It’s a snake with a white tigers head LOL! The snyiger was the joke of the day.

We went on a Log flume and Houdini's escape... now on Houdini’s escape the room goes upside down and your not really upside down even though you see people below you it was fun... the guy who takes his job wayyyy to seriously and said "now I seen a snake over here" ...and I was like "It’s A SNYIGER" and he was like oo well it has to go outside and Randy told him it was part of my purse.. The guy was jut like well okay we will not be held responsible for lost items..... My bag was pretty much pinned on me so it never left the seat. FUN RIDE

After that we went to the Tiger Show
I LOVE white tiger's they had one White tiger that was born in a litter of orange.. I just love tiger’s sooo much! White ones make me just go *AWWWWWWWWW* and take about 83453476847838 pictures.

After the show we went onMedusa in the dark cause Randy get's a kick out of me being scared S***less... so that ride was like 885384853485853 spins and my ass was dizzy dizzy afterwards.

After that we ran Nitro!!!
.. Now I got the WRONG impression of Nitro I thought it was a bar that goes over your head... type of ride.. NOPE we go to get on and it’s a lap bar a tiny ass lap bar! As the train leaves I am shaking cause A. I’m still wet from log flume.. B scared I’m going to fly out and C. I knew the ride was going to be longer then I was hoping.

So we get to the top of the hill and I’m just staring at complete darkness and tress... and (VOOM) I screamed ever hill turn and drop...the ride should be called *Night-tro cause if you ride it at night you can tell by the pic... no light it goes in complete forest and darkness..lol.. I was lifted up in my seat AKA "the only thing holding me down is that damn BAR!" the lady next to us was cracking up... Randy I could of swore was in tears laughing and me I lost my voice a little but bar none I was still on the ride 40 min after I was out of the park.. My body didn't regain life LOL all N all I had wayyyy too much fun which is never a bad thing! Thanks Randy for forcing me on Nitro you rule hardcore and I cant wait for a second trip!

There are signs everywhere

Tue, 30 Aug 2005 12:39:33 GMT

ARGGGGG as of 8:36 teddy turns on her radio and that darn Brian Adams song is on EEERRRGGGG! Radio why do you taunt me so... :(

68 flights of steps....84 calories burned Boom Baby! bye bye J-lo booty

Fri, 26 Aug 2005 12:21:22 GMT

Wow I just worked out in the back room of my work they have a stepper,treadmill some kinda wierd ab machine and these exercise bikes.

I was on the stepper for bout 15 min I love working out in the morning I get such a boost for work and it only takes me 30 min to get to work if that.. so I arrive here at 7:30am

Dave's webs site is almost done.. he is having me do it for him since I know a little bit of html and now I touched up some reading on cell's and shortcuts macromedia is a fun program well Im gonna do some work now since it's time for me to go

Hope everyone is doing good I will have to update over the weekend if I am up to it and feeling ok

ta ta..

would be the sweetest sin...

Tue, 23 Aug 2005 23:31:38 GMT

You ever just have a momant like one of those times where you wish you could hold it in a jar and watch it over and over as much as you liked?

I have momants like that with Dave .. he always does this thing when im in the mirror in the bathroom he will come over and put his hands on my hips or around me and he will kiss my neck or get really close where at that point I close my eyes and feel.. like im floating on clouds. Kinda makes me feel like this song :)

Can you imagine us,
Making love...
The way you would feel the first time that we touched,
Can you think of it...
The way I dream of it,
I want you to see like im seeing you...
It's a picture of perfection,
The vision of you and me...

Your lips upon my lips,
Can you just picture this...
Your finger tips on my finger tips,
Your skin upon my skin...
Would be the Sweetest Sin,
Would be the Sweetest Sin...

All night I lie awake,
Cause it's too much to take...
Dreamin' about the love that we could make...All day,
I think of scenes...
To get you next to me,
I want you so bad that i can barely breathe...
It's a sign of my obbsession,
That I can't stop thinkin bout'

Your lips upon my lips,
Can you invision this...
Temptation that I could never resist,
Your skin upon my skin...
Would be the Sweetest Sin...

It would feel so good,
To be so bad...
You don't know how bad...I want that,
I would do anything to feel your love...

Your lips upon my lips,
Can you just picture this...
Your finger tips on my finger tips,
Your skin upon my skin...
Would be the Sweetest Sin,
That would be the Sweetest Sin...

Your lips upon my lips,
Can you invision this...
Temptation that I could never resist,
Your skin upon my skin...
Would be the Sweetest Sin,
Would be the Sweetest Sin...

Your lips upon my lips...would be the Sweetest Sin

YAY for new job!!

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 10:48:57 GMT

SOOOOO HAPPY!

this job is great Im your generic Vice Presedent of a company assistant... I have to keep the boss on his meetings...things having to do with home (kids,wife doc appoint's etc) and I look at bills for the other locations, and make sure he signs things

they have a workout room and showers a nice kitchen it isn't even a cafeteria.. it looks like a really nice furnished kitchen... the people are very sweet to me

so far I like this job no drama! *falls over*great PAY$$$$ *falls over again*
and Dave really suprised me by calling me last night at well that makes me even ultra happy Im going to have to update about the renn faire.. nothing to fancy went down I was sick the whole day the heat was getting to me we won possibly the ugliest sword ever made I need to take a pic of this thing if Dave didnt trash it it's this iron greenish and moldy looking sword.. it looks like it stepped off a pirates ship... about 25798237593759823 years ago lol o well.. Im off to get ready for work .. I gotta long Day!Fridays I get out early!

Bounces

UGH!

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 10:00:21 GMT

Im exhausted... due to mother nature last night I didn't get any sleep and my tooth was killing me as well.All ik know is I was watching that clock every half hour... :( but! I start my new job today everyone wish me luck.. this is a good move for me :D

aww and Dave and I had a good weekend *happiness* I lubb him! more on our weekend later when I get home

Ugh! another "crapped up" update

Sun, 31 Jul 2005 15:15:10 GMT

SOOO.. it seems one of my ex's is up to his old tricks again.. lucky the girl whom was being tricked has asked for the truth and I gave it... why let another girl get dicked by him? I told her that whatever she does is up to her.. but he is a jerk..soo after that went down we ended up talking and I have made a new friend out of all this.

*yawn*

Im going to dave's today I think Im gonna fall asleep while he goes over quickbooks with me.. I didn't get to bed till 4:50 am last night due to the banging of my mom whom found it life or death that she cleaned the backroom. I was soo angry when I got up.. my stomach is killing me and I feel all zombie like :P O yea speaking of zombie!

Morning of the living Dead

Nose bleed...I mean Good Grief.. Im saying it soo often lately

Wed, 27 Jul 2005 04:35:37 GMT

What makes a person act so stupid sometimes and they cannot follow any path at that second to see what they are doing?

Damned If I know..nor possibly want to find out. O well ..

I have been escaping the norm lately ...trying yoga is one of those.. and bending my body in these odd shapes and such is work enough. I guess people might find it strange when I am outside on my lawn with my dog stretching and doing yoga while holding my body weight on my elbows and arms. After working out I came inside for a bath. I wanted to learn how to open my eyes under water for a while now.. and I always try it every time Im in a bath... but my fear of being little and feeling the burn of the pool in my eyes keep me from having the guts to open my lids.So while ducking my head under the water and just slowly letting my head go further and further down I was finally under water. And my heart rate was very calm after possibly about 20 sec's I opened my eyes slowly.. and to my horror I saw the top of the water tainted red and pink
I go to get up and my nose is bleeding ..not too bad but enough to scare myself..

about a few months ago I was told by my Doc I am Anemic... Possibly from me cutting out stuff in my diet??

well whatever the case after getting out of the tub I felt so sick I could smell the scent of a bag of nickel's all over me from the blood

and I got in the shower after my nosebleed stopped.. took my pills and had a few pieces of roast beef

Its scary really After all that Im going to lay down and try to get some sleep I had more then a freaky night that I can handle.

Tortura..

Sat, 25 Jun 2005 02:33:10 GMT

No pido que todos los días sean de sol
No pido que todos los viernes sean de fiesta
Tampoco te pido que vuelvas rogando perdón
Si lloras con los ojos secos
Y hablando de ella

Ay amor me duele tanto
Me duele tanto
Que te fueras sin decir a donde
Ay amor, fue una tortura perderte

Yo se que no he sido un santo
Pero lo puedo arreglar amor

No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.

Solo de errores se aprende
Y hoy se que es tuyo mi corazón

Mejor te guardas todo eso
A otro perro con ese hueso
Y nos decimos adiós

No puedo pedir que el invierno perdone a un rosal
No puedo pedir a los olmos que entreguen peras
No puedo pedirle lo eterno a un simple mortal
Y andar arrojando a los cerdos miles de perlas

Ay amor me duele tanto
Me duele tanto
Que no creas más en mis promesas
Ay amor es una tortura perderte

Yo se que no he sido un santo
Pero lo puedo arreglar amor

No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.

Solo de errores se aprende
Y hoy se que es tuyo mi corazón

Mejor te guardas todo eso
A otro perro con ese hueso
Y nos decimos adiós

No te bajes, no te bajes
Oye negrita mira, no te rajes
De lunes a viernes tienes mi amor
Déjame el sábado a mi que es mejor
Oye mi negra no me castigues más
Porque allá afuera sin ti no tengo paz
Yo solo soy un hombre arrepentido
Soy como el ave que vuelve a su nido

Yo se que no he sido un santo
y es que no estoy hecho de cartón

No solo de pan vive el hombre
Y no de excusas vivo yo.

Solo de errores se aprende
Y hoy se que es tuyo mi corazón

AD LIBS

Ay ay ay
Ay, todo lo que he hecho por ti
Fue una tortura perderte
Y me duele tanto que sea asi
Sigue llorando perdón
Yo... yo no voy
A llorar por ti

And just sometimes I feel like you do..

Mon, 20 Jun 2005 05:08:10 GMT

In my mind there was no perfect person out there ... no one I could 100% trust... but always fearing if I found that person afraid to let go..
I let go of you before, with it not being my choice at heart. I didn't want to but had to..I have made some choices so very wrong for all parties involved.. including myself.
I just want to let you know I love you... I haven't said that recently or took a glance as you slept beside me. I just think the best feeling in the world is when Im in your arms while you touch my face or neck while kissing me... to feel that....it almost sometimes... "feels like you do".. and the next best feeling... is when I make you laugh ... may I say something quirky or try to wrestle you.. you have this smile that brings out a part of me I never knew... to know I can make someone happy by goofing off and being myself

Im so happy the day I met you...your just wonderful to me nothing less... and you will always be.. just that...
<3 Dave <3
~I Love You~

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy

Wed, 15 Jun 2005 09:56:19 GMT

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another..

I myself have now just noticed how close this saying is to my life right now. Dave told me with having my job I might grow up a little...(not like Im a 8 year old kid just knowing whats important..keeping a job..saving money taking responsibility)
and with saying that...

I have no doubt I shared great moments of my life with a certin person she has been there in the past when I needed her and we had some fun times at her old apartment and house just staying up and having fun.... but everything has changed..Im not holding on to a past anymore hoping that same person lives inside... (cause that person doesn't exist within her anymore) I spent the last 2 nights just exhausted to even get on a phone with anyone and just went to sleep.

It kills me I held on for this long to her... cause maybe for once it felt good to be something else a "Aunt" for one..and a good friend..and speaking of a good friend...I see neither of us can be good at that anymore

I walk away cause there is nothing left I feel like what once was this great big fun park.. with people and kids and birds and trees.. is now a field with no tools or wood or seeds to start something again.
she told me that she was afraid cause she wasn't talking to me (cause I have been working not calling etc)so she spoke to someone who tred on her a million times cause thats all she had left.. I guess being a last resort is an ok thing... to a human being that has no feelings but I def seen a different person in that comment.. I loved her as a person.. like a sis like a best friend but I let go and last night I guess it hit me like a bag of bricks..

I do spend all my time with Dave... I do find a little time to talk on a phone with friends and sometimes even dave. I went ot the club with Julie last week and of Friday seen nick.
I just have no time for phone conversations of you screaming at your son or husband.. I get on the phone to talk to you and bring up anything ... even sometimes to tell you how my day went cause I would expect the same from you.. but no.

just know I really did truely care with all my heart until caring for you was like caring for a totally different person.you changed but the truth is you don’t need me anymore.. you will have people who come and go
I am also no stranger to changing and not being myself... I just know I still have it in me somewhere to admit enough is enough .....when needed.

Till now I always got by on my own.. I never really cared untill I met you

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 11:41:09 GMT

So much to update but Im just going to tell the shorts of all of it.

Dave and I are good this week we haven't really talked :( in the past I thought he would act like a diffrent person and now that Im working I can understand how being busy and all that can create a down mood. Cause I haven't been myself god knows that... work is getting on my nerves... I give more then expected (cause I try to show I can handle more work..) and when I fall to the expected catagory Im a candidate to be told It's not good enough... My work strives to get more more more more more... you know it's a endless loop of being selfish for some people like myself whom have bad days.. and hard styles.. I made it on the wall for getting more units done (dresses). But I still feel very drained when I come home...

I talked to Julie yesterday Im happy she is living in Phila and so close to me she is a nut..she told me I have to come swimming with her in her *in-ground pool*.. funny that it is green right now. But atleast I can relax after working out and get to hang out as well.

anyhoo..

I got a new Dior Purse I'll have to take Pics of it. :) this weekend I get to dress up I have this very gorg dress for this weekends event. I have to stop at target and best by on my break today to return this game paddle that doesn't work... o well

O and I bought my first mac makeup yesterday
In shoots I have had Mac makeup on me and I never got the stuff for myself so yesterday I bought a eyeshadow called *elite* it's this copper gold colorand looks great on me Im gonna treat myself to 1 mac makeup a paycheck stuff is great..

O well Im gonna leave for work I feel like Im going to have a shitty day.. :(

An entry I can see myself writing over and over again O and im selling artwork!

Tue, 31 May 2005 23:23:23 GMT

Today when I came home I noticed a baby bird fell out of its nest... struggling to get on its feet I felt so bad I knew exactly how it felt just by watching it's chest go in deep and far out from the struggles that it was losing hope... so my dad came over with latex gloves and got up a ladder and put it with the rest of it's nest..

I can tell where I get my kindness towards animals I myself even have compassion for animals whom are no stranger to hurting man... I mean it's nature... and we crossed nature by building factories and having oil spills.... its a sad thing.. really... but the thought there is people out there like my dad and I who go the tiny step or big step to helping out animal life...

*its a wonderful feeling*

Anyho

So Im !!!!!!!!excited!!!!!!!!

Im starting my painting's series is called "cats".. *wow how orignal* sure it's not spelled cool and it's exactly what it say's "cats" but I can say for ever person whom glanced at my work had a big liking to the few I did and One even sold!...

I do need to save money and I would like to do it by doing art .. so if anyone reads this and likes cats... I can paint you a pic of your pet cat.. or maybe a color cat you just like... and other details I will need to talk more in private but I will post pictures of my work tonight so everyone can get a small idea of what Im doing..

I haven't posted in ages... I feel old Me and Dave are doing Great... work is great... all in all this has been a good 2 months

Tue, 03 May 2005 01:07:55 GMT

OOOOOO I really want these! Im a big fan a chunkey flip flops but with my luck they will lack of size 5 cause I got small paws.. :(

DAMINT I want these im gonna wait a bit to get um Ill sell some of my old gothy clothing that is to big for me :D

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 10:58:26 GMT

Last night I was soooooooooooooo sick. I went to get my cell off of Dave cause I left it in his car and the pillbury dough boy was out to get me. :( the smell of biscuits now make me sick... and last night I was soooo sick. I went to lay down and before I knew it I arm was asleep under Daves head/pillow and I had to get home so I could get sleep and wake up for work.. SUCKED I really wanted to stay my tummy was hurting so the way he put his arm on me made my stomach settle a little. Hopefully If I move in when I have a hurt stomach he can take care of me like he did last night as I will do the same for him. The weekend with him was nice.. really really really.. nice. I was all about the saw movie and almost ripped him a new one in scrabble DAMNIT!.. o well I will beat him one day again. Other then the mushy mushy Dave news

Work-
I HATE I HATE DEPT 30 I hate shading wedding dresses sooooooooooo much cause I can never get the dress I need... If I need a size 6 in dye lot b ill get 98547649679476934694 in a C,D or A then when I have to match it up with a another bridesmaids dress (say a size 10) then I will get 458039580349903484 Dye lot B's and nothing to match the 6..

*grr*
O well O ya the coach bag came in mine is coming in soon Shrona got the same thign I did and she was like (when I take this ot of the coach box it will inflate to a real purse right? (LOL) it is a wallet sorta it's a wristet purse it is nice but still like 100.00 bucks for that. I should have picked something else from the book. O well... well im gonna start getting ready for work :P

"If you have the courage to love, you have the courage to suffer."

Fri, 22 Apr 2005 11:41:59 GMT

When you love someone let them go and if they return to you it was meant to be.. I stood by that saying for a long time… and some days, right after Dave and I had broke up I wanted so much to believe the saying would come true and we would end up together.

I can’t explain how hurt I was or how I felt all I know is the worst feeling in the world was knowing someone I loved is now gone and I cannot fix it…

After a while I just gave up and thought to move on…not because I wanted to hurt Dave but cause I was hurting so much myself… I wanted to see if someone could make me stop hurting over him… so I can act like a friend and stop crying all the time cause I cant be his lover..

Then came a new person... but tiny little things started to show.. and one wed morning I was driving home and I wished I didn’t move on so quick and even if I couldn’t be with Dave I had to break it off with Mike I felt uncomfortable.. my parents on my back.. and my New Job and in new like *just started*.. And I broke up with him….Dave and I never crossed the line of friends while broke up..Still something was missing .. I wasn’t done with my heart being broken about Dave

I held onto everything I had with him.. and when we broke I had very little to take and hold close from not withering away. Then Sat night we hung out like usual and at the end of the night I went to leave and I stood there with my heart beating knowing the air was turning cold and I was starting to freeze in my place. Then all of a sudden Dave leaned down to me and turned his head and kissed me.

I couldn’t breathe he took my breath away like he always did.. the kiss was so soft and I told him that’s all I wanted for months was to know I was still wanted and desired.. after that I just buried myself in his arms and cried I just didn’t want that kiss to go away I wanted it to last for good.. and then while still buried in his arms he slowly walked me back into the apartment where he then led me to the sofa and we wound up kissing for a hour then going to bed and just laying next to each other kissing and falling asleep against him.

Sunday I kept my feelings under control knowing how much I care I just wanted things back when he smiled at me and tickled me and just when we both were together.

Then some words flown…a few talks and I saw him smile and no matter what all I thought was I loved Dave for 2 years I fell in love with someone who didn’t have to love me back…

Wed night I was going to go to the club since I had off Thurs so I went over Daves to drop off a card while going to Neshaminy Mall..After the card he told me I was going to stay..soooo….He told me he wanted to show me a surprise soo he pulled up his Lj which he has never wrote in and it said Dave and Erica… Im a great boyfriend.. (I figured) he had slipped and said that by accident but he told me he didn’t slip sooo I was pretty much confused then he said I guess you my girlfriend again…. So now we are going out again…I Have a new job I work at Davids Bridal and my job is Important.. I basicly find dresses for brides and prom dresses for girls I make a good amount of $$ I have perks with the job which so far show in a coach bag that I got for being on a good productivity Level. So yes my life is catching up to be good

long time no post.. :P

Sun, 10 Apr 2005 02:35:03 GMT

So My week has been pretty busy.. I started a job about 2 weeks ago I make a good perfect amount of $ching ching$ I get paid on friday So my first stop on sat morning is to my bank to open up my own accountsince the 2 I am on are shared with my parents.

but this week has been crazy my job has a good perk.. a full equip.. gym.. the girls bathroom even has showers and blow-dryers soap and shampoo it's crazy but I enjoy the tredmills the exercise stuff.. and the cable tv I get to watch with it :D

I have just beenm getting crammed with getting stuff done at my house soo I was going to spend my whole day Sat cleaning and I got a call from Dave and he asked if I wanted to catch a movie and dinner .. so I put down my cleaning cloths and headed out.

We saw Sahara it was good I liked the movie alot then we headed out to the chinese buffet I <3 that place soo much but yea so I came in around 9 and just got my papers together for work Monday..I have alot to do I have sooo much to dobut it's kool by tomorrow the backroom will be made into my yoga/workout room and everything will be cool

that's hot..

O and BTW

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 17:18:27 GMT

EVERYTHING that I want to be private from you now is..

Due to Privacy..

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 17:15:46 GMT

Why do you pull shit like this I didn't expect this from you or my privacy to be read and finger fucked..Did you have fun reading my entries.. I hope in some form it found you some solace cause I will never *speak* to you again