Current mood:	guilty
Current music:	nothing

afraid to lose...losing....lost...
I have learned so many things about myself in one day. I know I have held onto my past long enough. And I know I will seek out help before I lose control more then I have already.

Im sick and tired of wearing a mask and being what someone would call sneaky to hide my broken self with fake smiles(only to keep them from seeing the fucked up side of me.. cause no one deserves that). before I lost someone I hold soo dear to me... I lost myself first. you can find endless company within a pill... seemed to be something liek a best friend.. always there when you need it.. and never lets you down.

I have become "beyond my own control." In my mind and body and heart... I feel like I have lost everything and hit rock bottom feeling liek Im cimbing a wall and my nails are breaking and bleeding and I cannot climb up.

what do you tell one you love that your addicted to feeling numb.. never wanting to let that go never wanting to lose them?

I asked myself that question tonight hurdled over a toliet.... I ask that question every night before I take a few shots and swollow numbness in capsules. Hitting rock bottom is harder then I imagined cause i want no one to be there to take place of the real person I want and love cause I believe because of how I feel no one will ever touch me there like "he" has. and I say that with such sadness cause I know what things are.. and I know in which they are not.

I have killed myself over and over for about 2 months with an addiction and mode I have attached myself to cause it was an easy way out... I see a clear road ahead of me.. only instead of having the numb to help me through.. I will have nothing but tears and being afraid of each day.

sleeping with sleeping pills is almost like hearing nothing but your heart beat... you hear the normal thuds and pattern.. untill they startto slow and you become so heavy you feel like your sinking or drowning.. only you can breathe and everything around you is still and quiet.

I ran out as soon as i could.. not speaking to Jean to afraid of what was said.. I only want things to work out when you search your whole life for this one person who makes even the darkest days have sunshine... and you lose them... its only normal to feel like you rather just rot. Im ashamed of myself Im afriad of myself.. I have grown to be quite the russian roulette type. but as I said when recieved the chance to run away from what I had done tonight and not ask what was said I guess is better off. I don't want to know.. I don't need to be told things that will only kill me quicker. so I ran out came home and just layed in bed and collected what thoughts I had left to think about without crying.

no one should ever have to go through what I have.. acceptance is a far road to me now then ever..
Im in love with someone I cant have anymore
Im in hate with what I become.
and I am lost..with what seems to be a very long road to collect what pieces broke off along the way

I found a keychain on the road that says.. "one day at a time" and I will just have to suffer with that.. cause that all I have right now.

but I can honestly say... I feel like I have no heart beat anymore for myself what little I had left I gave all to one person.. who deserves more then I can ever offer him... for putting up with me. thats a job within itself and I will continue to love him for that even though he may never know it.

One day at a time..starts now.. the road is dark have no light I guess I will have to feel things through and find my way blind.